Feb 18, 2008

Is it possible to will time to stop moving? I know the answer to that question is NO; but this time of year I find myself wishing the next day would not come. Mainly because it means that the month of April is coming closer; which means it will be that many more days since I last spoke to my best friend. 1 year, 10 months later - I am not a second year medical student, well settled in my life in Atlanta. I have amazing friends at medical school and am living with my best friend from high school; I get to spent time with Dad on a monthly basis; he even visited me in Atlanta for a week this January. Yes, Life is doing more than "seeming" to move along, it's actually moving along. I think of my mom daily, miss her daily but being all wrapped up in the routine of surviving my second year of medical school I don't let myself remember how much I miss her. I'm not sure when one comes to term with the silence that falls upon you when one of your parents leaves this world. The love, ofcourse, is always there and is something you can almost feel when you close your eyes or rest your head on your pillow. But, what about the conversations, the arguments, the annoying each other - how to you make yourself remember those forever. One wants to believe that you won't forget but anythings possible when you barely have space for the 10000 neurotransmitters, drugs and microbiology facts you need to stick in your head as a second year medical student. And just to throw this out there into the internet world- I will truly be surprised the day I meet someone that I can fight with the way I argued with my mom. I'm pretty sure that is something that will never be recreated but maybe life will surprise me.

school is quite hectic these days and many are frantic about boards and studying for step-1. I find myself constantly reminding myself why I came here and what my end purpose is - to genuinely better the quality of life of others. I was home this weekend and was looking through my parents closet. On the floor are two spirometers - the things you blow into to increase your lung capacity after an open heart surgery. One belonged to my mother; the other to my father. Mom and Dad used to hard and worked hard at gaining their lung capacity back after surgery. I looked at those and wondered to myself why had I saved them all these months. It's another reminder, dummy, I said to myself. A reminder of two patients - you supported, prayed for, and cared for with all your heart. A reminder of two people who worked hard to get better. I want to believe that the prayers and hard work payed off for both even though Mom's outcome isn't something I will ever get over. Those spirometers sit on the closet floor reminding me that one of the reasons why I am here is to help people realize their potential to fight; to fight for their health; to stay positive and give this fight their best. My mom told me "vahan dubadvanu nathi" : you can't let the ship sink. sooo...here i am trying desperately to stay in my own fight - the fight to get through medical school; pass all these silly exams and constantly remind myself that I am in this for a reason, a reason that I am certain will be worth all the sacrifice I am making now. fight, work hard, work harder - is probably wht my mom would've said. (and stop complaining) :o)