July 19. 2006

I'm home for the weekend from my pediatrics rotation. Enjoyed a relaxing weekend with my Dad - went window shopping and watched some movies, and played chess. It's been a very long time since I've had the chance to relax with Dad like this. I've successfully passed my second year of medical school; just got the final exam results today. It's such a relief to know that finally, hard work has payed off and things are moving in the right direction. I am really enjoying my clinical rotations. It's overwhelming to think of the friends and family who have played a huge part in my getting to this place and how they will continue to support and encourage me in so many different ways as I move forward through medical school and on. The support that Dad and I have received from all you friends and family is tremendous. Thank you! You love you'all dearly.

April 8, 2008

Yesterday marked the end of year two - April 7, 2008. Time is so subjective. I realize this most when I talk to others. Family and Friends sometimes ask us - "what's it been? three years, four years?" "No," I say, "It will be two years on the 7th." So the 7th of April has come and has gone. I spent the day at home with my father and his friends who are visiting from Canada. I asked Mom's best friend to visit us in the afternoon the way she used to when my Mom was here. Usha aunty would come over a little past noon, have lunch with my parents and chit chat with Mom for hours. So, thats what we did yesterday - Usha aunty came over for lunch and coffee. We laughed about things my Mom had said and reminisced about the long conversations we had with her. Surprisingly, both her and I have a hard time recollecting what exactly we spent hours talking to Mom about. Whatever we talked about, we do remember that it was all fun. My cousins were visiting Augusta so I got to visit with them for a little while in the afternoon. We talked about how my mom grew cotton in her yard. Laughed at how mom was always herself; how she made the ICU nurses try her interesting flavored home made juice - carrots, celery, apples (eww, I know).
So full of life...
In the evening we went to temple for monday pooja. I took prasad and a rose that grew on our rose bush. Last year, there was only one flower on my Mom's rose bush on the morning of the 7th of april. The same was true this year: the first rose of the season bloomed on the 7th of April. Maybe nature's way of showing us she's still with us.
Temple was beautiful: everyone chanted in unison, sang bhajans from their heart. Indrani aunty and I led everyone in singing mom's favorite bhajan. The whole time I imagined her sitting next to me and singing at the top of her lungs out of devotion, not minding that her voice of completely off-key. Mom's friends told me how they felt her presence on monday poojas. Mom's laughter, craziness and more than anything her strength is amongst us all. It is amazing how one life, lived well brings such happiness to so many. All day we got phone calls from friends and family in the US and in India - remembering mom and seeing how Dad and I were doing. One can only hope and pray that we all can spread such warmth and love in the world as well.
Hope everyone is doing well. Just wanted to share a little of my day with you all.

March 30, 2008

Birthdays are such interesting days. When you're a baby its a day of celebration more for your parents and friends. As you grow older it becomes a day that you cherish more with your friends - first through pool parties, playing games and later through fancy dinners, house parties and late nights. For me, birthdays have always been a day that I spent more with friends; topped off with a token of time spent with my parents. I cherished that token and today I think I realize why. Birthdays are exciting and fun for the individual but they must be a million more times exciting for the parents who brought you into this world. The work they put into rearing a child and the progress they see on a year to year basis must be incredible. This is the second year I spent my birthday without my mom. It was such a special day - my friends are all so so incredible. I had an amazing time relaxing and catching up with ALL my friends from medical school, high school and undergrad. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends. At the same time I realize what a special day it was for me and my mom. She would call me in the morning and sing my happy birthday in the most be-sura (out of tune) voice possible. It's the little things I miss more than anything! I'm not complaining I'm just maybe sending a message out there - thank/think of your mom on your birthday; you're her dream come true and she deserves it!
I miss you mom, you're the best!

Feb 18, 2008

Is it possible to will time to stop moving? I know the answer to that question is NO; but this time of year I find myself wishing the next day would not come. Mainly because it means that the month of April is coming closer; which means it will be that many more days since I last spoke to my best friend. 1 year, 10 months later - I am not a second year medical student, well settled in my life in Atlanta. I have amazing friends at medical school and am living with my best friend from high school; I get to spent time with Dad on a monthly basis; he even visited me in Atlanta for a week this January. Yes, Life is doing more than "seeming" to move along, it's actually moving along. I think of my mom daily, miss her daily but being all wrapped up in the routine of surviving my second year of medical school I don't let myself remember how much I miss her. I'm not sure when one comes to term with the silence that falls upon you when one of your parents leaves this world. The love, ofcourse, is always there and is something you can almost feel when you close your eyes or rest your head on your pillow. But, what about the conversations, the arguments, the annoying each other - how to you make yourself remember those forever. One wants to believe that you won't forget but anythings possible when you barely have space for the 10000 neurotransmitters, drugs and microbiology facts you need to stick in your head as a second year medical student. And just to throw this out there into the internet world- I will truly be surprised the day I meet someone that I can fight with the way I argued with my mom. I'm pretty sure that is something that will never be recreated but maybe life will surprise me.

school is quite hectic these days and many are frantic about boards and studying for step-1. I find myself constantly reminding myself why I came here and what my end purpose is - to genuinely better the quality of life of others. I was home this weekend and was looking through my parents closet. On the floor are two spirometers - the things you blow into to increase your lung capacity after an open heart surgery. One belonged to my mother; the other to my father. Mom and Dad used to hard and worked hard at gaining their lung capacity back after surgery. I looked at those and wondered to myself why had I saved them all these months. It's another reminder, dummy, I said to myself. A reminder of two patients - you supported, prayed for, and cared for with all your heart. A reminder of two people who worked hard to get better. I want to believe that the prayers and hard work payed off for both even though Mom's outcome isn't something I will ever get over. Those spirometers sit on the closet floor reminding me that one of the reasons why I am here is to help people realize their potential to fight; to fight for their health; to stay positive and give this fight their best. My mom told me "vahan dubadvanu nathi" : you can't let the ship sink. sooo...here i am trying desperately to stay in my own fight - the fight to get through medical school; pass all these silly exams and constantly remind myself that I am in this for a reason, a reason that I am certain will be worth all the sacrifice I am making now. fight, work hard, work harder - is probably wht my mom would've said. (and stop complaining) :o)

October 13th, 2007

My first garba in 2 years.

Last night I went to garba with my med school friends. Its a nine day dance festival celebrating Goddess Durga. It was my first garba in two years. Last time I went was in 2005 with my mom in Augusta. Garba was always a very special time for my family as I ran around the house getting ready and making my mom dress me up in the traditional way. I was fiddle around and she would yell at me to stand still and let her finish the job of fixing my dress properly. Mom wouldnt dance as she would get dizzy but she loved to watch; so she would sit in the bleachers with all the older aunties and watch. The minute I stepped out from the dancing circles she would look at me and mouth and motion for me to go back in and continue dancing. She would push me and my friends to get back in the circle and dance to our hearts content. Last night, I danced to my hearts content with my friends. At the end of the night, all drenched in sweat, I closed my eyes and felt content. I have been looking forward to garba all year and had an itch to dance and pray the way I used to with my mom. As I sang the arti with my friends, I closed my eyes and was transposed to a scene where my mother stood beside me singing all the words to the arti, head bowed down, praying to Amba ma for strength and courage. I miss her physical presence all the time, particularly when I am at the temple or any religious event. She instilled those values in me and I hope to carry them on. I have realized all it takes is for me to close my eyes and I feel her sitting/standing right next to me.

just wanted to write a little blurb, now must study for I am a second year medical student now! :o)

May 26, 2007

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've had the chance to post a message. A year ago today, we performed that last and final rites for my mom; we spread her ashes in a place where she would be at peace. Its hard to imagine that a whole year has gone by. Coincidently, with a little encouragement from an uncle of mine, I am spending the weekend volunteering at the Special Olympics held at Emory University. My mom had a special thing for people who overcame physical and mental adversities. She didn't say much about it; it's not like we had great scholarly/philosophical discussions about what life was like for people with chronic health problems. But her actions and her facial expressions were worth a thousand words. I remember visiting Yosemite National Park with my parents about 8 years ago. We spent a week touring the park and enjoying nature and puting our feet in every body of water we could find. One morning as we were walking around taking pictures with my father, when mom and I noticed a group of mountain climbers. We were both pretty excited and walked towards them so that we could get a better glimpse of these adventurous individuals. Mom and I realized that there was a paraplegic mountain climbers amongst the group and we both were so excited and curious. Most of you who know my mother know can imagine her reaction..."Ehh, RAJ, jo to..loook mountaineering people over up there!!" We had Dad zoom in on the group as they were pretty far up the mountain and not visible to the naked eye. We saw a man climbing several thousand feet above group using mainly his upper body strength. All three of us were pretty amazed at his skill and inspired by what one could achieve despite some significant physical challenges. When I signed up to volunteer this weekend, I didn't realize that it was this particular weekend that last year, I said my final goodbye. It must have been her wish from up above that I take this opportunity to be amazed and inspired by some awesome atheletes.

March 23rd, 2007

It's been a year since I started this blog. I got on the blog earlier this morning and realized that it has been exactly a year to this date when I decided to make the blog. It was a portal for me to let everyone know how mom was doing. Now it's become a place where I update friends and family on how dad and I are doing. I'm home for spring break. I've been home for a week now and have successfully not touched a book. I have a lot of studying to do but haven't done much yet. Dad is enjoying his time with me. We've planted a few flowers in the front yard. with his knee bothering him, I don't know if we will get around to doing the vegetable garden this year. I wonder if some of the plants will grow by themselves like they did last year. Besides that, everything is going well. We are trying to enjoy ourselves as much as possible.